I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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