It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
