The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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