I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
