if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
