Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize