Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
