whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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