WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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