If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
