my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
