never play flip cup with pint glasses
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
