U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
