She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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