so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
