seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
