I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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