im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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