A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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