You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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