I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
