Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
