Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I cut my penus on the lid.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
