just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
