Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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