there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
