why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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