i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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