i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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