it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
