I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
