im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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