I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
