Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
