I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How does one acquire holy water?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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