I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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