everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
