I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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