help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize