I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
