You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
