If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
