i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
