I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We just shotgunned beers for America
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
