i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
