Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
