You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize