Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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