I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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