My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
please come you make the beer taste better
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
