Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
