I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
