I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
