oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
