i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
