? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
