Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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