She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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