I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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