he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i now understand why vodka
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
