There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
