so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
