Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
