There was a lot of him and a little penis
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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