everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
