Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
COCAINE IS GR8
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
