just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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