yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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