im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
